Dear Apolo Ohno,

This is not a fan letter. This is something far more serious; this is a life proposal. I'm not necessarily suggesting marriage, not yet anyway.

Here's the thing, at some point, I'm going to need to start thinking about procreating. Don't worry ... I'm years away from that. However, when I see a good thing I tend to snatch it up. I think you, Apolo, would make an excellent baby daddy.

I want my kid(s) to be athletic, something I am not. Sure, I can ride a bike without falling off, but put me in a set of ice-skates and I instantly curl into the fetal position. I want children who excel in sports. I excel in screaming, making me the ideal parent for a child who competes. It's brilliant really. I'll bring the passion, and you bring the talent.

Your win on "Dancing with the Stars" further cements proof of the talent you could pass on. My dancing skills are practically nonexistent, yet I want my child(ren) to have the poise and skill that I don't. That's what parenting is about: giving your child everything you didn't have. I'll take care of the Easy-Bake Oven, and you can provide genetic superiority. Not that I don't have superior genes. I do. I'm witty and have a razor-sharp tongue. I'm just lacking in the athleticism department.

Admittedly, I've had a thing for Bode Miller since the 1998 Olympic Games in Nagano, Japan. Until he came along, I had no idea skiing could be so sexy. For a while I thought maybe he was the best match, but frankly he's not bringing home the gold like you are. I want to raise winners.

I also want my offspring to be strong. I watch ice-skaters and skiers fall while going a zillion miles per hour, and they manage to walk it off. I slipped off the kitchen chair last week while fixing my doorbell and stayed on the floor for a good five minutes moaning over the pain. You could instill the strength and endurance they will need.

This may feel like a cougar situation, but I assure you it's not. I'm only seven years older than you. That's nothing. Let's not worry about the math. Math is hard, let's make babies.

If you still feel too young for me, think of it this way: I can raise both you and our children. I'm experienced with men. Hold up. I should rephrase that, lest you think I'm a whore. I am experienced with boys. Dammit! now I sound like a child predator. What I'm trying to convey is that I babysat my four younger brothers enough that I know what it takes to raise boys. I'll make a fantastic mother. Plus I will encourage our children to understand the Japanese culture -- after all, I do really love eating soba noodles.

It's like we were made for each other.

Love your future baby mama,

Sarah

Sarah Nielson can be reached at snielson@inthisweek.com. Follow her daily on Twitter (twitter.com/sarahbellum) or read her blog (sarahnielson.com).