'Tis the season to make demands!

I never have my gear list together when it actually comes time for you chumps to buy presents for me. I see stuff I want but can't afford and limp along without it. Then my birthday or a holiday comes along, and people are all, "Whaddya want?" And I'm all, "Oh, ya know, whatever!" And then I get a lot of fruit-scented lotion.

This year, things are different. Here are 12 items I've had my eye on.

1 » North Face STH women's ski pants. I've tried on a lot of ski pants, and these are the only ones that don't make me look like I have my butt on backward.

2 » A lesson at Alta. I've never been there before. No, I haven't. Hey! Ow. Stop throwing things at me.

3 » A stainless-steel flask. That I do not own one already is but a testament to my loyalty to the 1.75-liter jug of Ten High. But the jug makes for an exhausting hike. A flask is light, concealable and the bare minimum in I Look Cool accessorizing. Stainless steel helps keep the flavor clean from bottle to bottle.

4 » 365 tubes of ChapStick. I lose one every single day.

5 » Sorel snowboots. The big, black, serial killer ones. The ones with tractor tires for tread and live cobras for shoelaces. The ones that will stomp on your very soul.

6 » Pouches of dehydrated beef stroganoff: comforting, unoffensive -- The Beatles of instant backpacker cuisine.

7 » REI Kulshan waterproof jacket. Kind to petites, but it may fall a bit short on the hip for a longer torso. The hood has an extended visor that only looks like a prairie bonnet if you don't cinch it.

8 » Gun safety training course. I need to get over the fear because I'm told that it's not safe to shriek and drop to the ground whenever I see a firearm. Something about sharp noises and big motions. Also, I've never been able to pull a trigger with my eyes open.

9 » A two-burner camp stove. I tried to steal my friend's Coleman, but he wrested it from my grasp. I returned to my dainty backpacker model and stewed up some instant oatmeal like a fleecy little yipster among cowboys. Minimalist, single-serving cuisine is perfect for backpacking. But for car camping, you want a proper chuckwagon.

10 » A little folding table for my new stove so I can make ramen and hot toddies next to my car -- après ski, recession-style.

11 » A high-support, wicking sports bra in XS or S. I'm tired of searching in vain. Dear athletic clothing industry: If you're forever selling out of smalls, MAKE MORE SMALLS.

12 » Boxes of red wine. One, it's classy and two, a full bladder will be easy hauling and great for mulling on a winter yurt trip.

If you'd rather give bath products, go for herbs: rosemary, thyme, basil, mint. I haven't smelled any marjoram lotion, but it might be out there somewhere.

In any case, herby is way better than fruity.

Erin Alberty has more Utah adventures and musings on her blog, poorpenmanship.com.